I was just doing a little short video to highlight the issues for our trans brothers and sisters yesterday. It was one that actually made me cry. Life can be hard and have it's extra challenges and I guess it just hit me.
But I do hope we are living in a more accepting and tolerant society. It wasn't until I guess, I sat in their shoes and thought about how it must feel that when your periods comes as a trans woman to man, girl to boy, how it is a constant reminder of how your body is doing this without your permission. Or that your body has parts from its old self, and where your period shatters the illusion that you body is gender neutral. It can make something visible that no one knows about, and a reminder that you have moved on but your body hasn't. Nickeze is all about positive periods and promoting wellness for girls and women and the management of menstrual health. But we have to acknowledge, that periods are not positive for everyone, and actually make some people very sad.
When I was thinking about it last night and thinking about getting a period when you really don't want one, it brought me crashing back to my own experience of 4 miscarriages for a very wanted baby. I don't want any sympathy, it happens all the time to many, many women. It is the silent grief that many of us carry. And of course, it shouldn't be that. But because you don't have any baby to show for it and it wasn't 'born', you don't feel entitled to display grief, after all it was 'just a miscarriage or another one, and another one and another one. Going into the sonogram with a baby and out with none. Going into for the 'evacuation of retained products of conception' medically, but to you, it is your baby that you are leaving behind. The one that you had so many hopes and dreams for. You know those thoughts that you get when you find out you are pregnant, you see them at school and picture the life ahead as we are the eternal optimists and never foresee that this can end in pain......or end in pain again and again.
Mine ended with a very happy story, and for that I will forever be grateful, and blessed. But it made me think of all the people and women that have periods, that really don't want to have them and it is crushing, or you are pregnant and the sight of that blood fills you with overwhelming dread, heart crushing, heart wrenching dread.
I know some of you that are reading this, will wonder how I kept going after 4 miscarriages, many around me, telling me to not put myself through this again. But, I didn't give up because to me all that heartache would have been for nothing, and yes, if it hadn't worked out, would it have been a self-destruct button, I can't answer that. But all I do know, to give up, was not an option. I had to keep going, what went before was all for nothing otherwise. I would neither describe myself as strong or fragile, I have loads of Achilles Heels, so I can't claim it was strength that kept me going. And I am glad I did and I would do it all again, despite the pain. But everyone has their limit and I can't advice this for everyone.
I remember being referred, after the 4th miscarriage, to a Bereavement Counsellor in the local hospital, and her asking me about the miscarriages' and this has always stuck with me. She said you have told me about the miscarriages through the lens of your nursing hat, described it all in medical terms. She said 'now I want you to tell that nurse to go over there and sit down', I want Ellie to tell me about her miscarriages now, as a mum'. I totally broke down, it was the nurse in me holding me up, she was my shield, if I described the miscarriages as a nurse, I could detach and protect my heart, that was so fragile, it was the only way I knew how to survive. But when the nurse in me went over and sat down and didn't speak, and I had to describe them as the mother to those babies, I just fell to pieces. I think if I am honest, the nurse was reinstated pretty quickly when I left, I couldn't feel that vulnerable again but probably needed to. I do think of the babies that have gone before but maybe I don't allow myself to feel because that would be just too devastating.
So, thinking about those, where periods bring such sadness, or reminders that they are living with parts of their old selves, I guess brought this flooding back, that although Nickeze wants periods to be a positive thing and in the main, they are, and I really believe in that, but I need to equally acknowledge that they are not positive for everyone and I was one of those. And it is that thought that makes me sad, and makes me feel for our women and people that menstruate, it is pain, and I wish I could make that better for you.
If anyone that is going through a miscarriage, I am here to chat and I guess having a white pad for the blood isn't the best thing in the world, seeing it all unfold, which is really tough, so please if you would like a Nickeze or two, please email me and I will send them to you discreetly, no charge of course. Same with our trans that don't want to wear pads, please reach out, I have options for you.
There is so much I can say on this and I will in time. I feel a little flat and sad after revisiting it all again but that is part of it, it means we are human and we loved those babies that just couldn't come here......
Love to you all,
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